Dear Eugenia,
You are such a kind and gentle soul. You have shown a lot of strength to continue living the way you have with the criticism you receive. People will often speak from a place of worry, but I know that these comments make Ed very loud.
I hope that one day people will acknowledge you for more than your body. You are a very talented and creative individual, and you have offered the world a wonderful service by sharing your passions on the internet.
My wish for you is that you will be able to experience the world without the gray-tinted lenses of Ed. There is more to life than living constantly with the mask up. There is more to life than being constantly exhausted and dizzy.
When you were in recovery publicly for the first time, it was wonderful to see your eyes light up again and to see your skin glow. Your smile became so much brighter and you seemed so much more relaxed. I’ve been there, and I know that you were able to feel more alive.
One of the hardest parts of recovery is having to face the real world again. Ed has the same numbing effect as heroin, and having to face the real world after being that numb for so long is incredibly scary. However, it is so worth it. Getting to be a part of the good helps to cope with the bad. There are still hard days, but those days are not nearly as numerous in recovery.
Recovery feels so unnatural after living with Ed, but I hope you make the choice someday to at least try it again. You have shown that you are strong enough to do it, and it won’t be easy. You can always go back to behaviors later, but giving a real, honest effort will help you decide what you would rather live with.
No matter where life takes you, on or off the internet, I hope you will be able to fully experience it. Today is the beginning of the rest of your life. You deserve happiness in whatever way that manifests for you.
Take care,
Clarisse.
